chris isaak summed it up for me
who knew?
i just happened to glance over at the tv just now and chris isaak was singing, "how long will my heart ache tonight?" i wasn't aware of how i was feeling until just then.
TWO DAYS AGO, my dad passed away at the ripe old age of...can you belive it?...ninety-three. if that ain't ripe, don't bother pickin' it. (no idea what that means. it just sorta came to me.)
YESTERDAY, 4 of the 6 half-sibs (2 half-brothers & 2 half-sisters = 1 brother & 1 sister), my mom & i went to make arrangements for dad. (reading the previous blog will give you some background on the dynamics of my relationship with the half-sibs.) prior to yesterday, there was no discussion whatsoever amongst us about how to handle these arrangements. had we done this, the proverbial shit would have missed the fan completely. unfortunately, my family epitomizes shit and we don't need no damn fan.
SOME BACKGROUND: dad was a widower before he met & married my mom. i grew up watching him bring flowers to his first wife's grave. since i had no living grandparents, i called this woman's mother grandma. i had no aunts or uncles living close-by, so this woman's brother and his wife became uncle & auntie. they treated me & mom like true relations, unlike the half-sibs who only thought of us as dad's other family. i can't even begin to tell you how conflicted i felt growing up with these people that felt like family, but at the same time weren't, really.
when it became apparent that my dad's health was in steady decline, i started to wonder how we would handle my dad's funeral when the time came. being the youngest of dad's kids and a half-sib to them, i wasn't comfortable trying to broach this subject. i'm only half of a blip on the family radar. i count less than a few of the pets in the family ranking system.
even though we never discussed it, shortly before arriving at the cemetery, my mother told me what i already knew. she wanted to be buried with dad, knowing that a space already existed for him with his first wife. i my heart, i know she is right for wanting this. not only does she deserve this, she earned the right to have this over the course of 34 years of marriage. so when it came time, i spoke up for my mom, knowing she would never stand up to the half-sibs. discussion ensued, one half-sib stormed out of the room (and has been a royal bitch ever since), and eventually, a majority of the half-sibs gave their blessings and we were able to finalize the arrangments. it was uncomfortable, to say the least, but it was necessary.
TONIGHT, the half-sibs were over for the first night of the novena prayer. as we are in mourning, i am perhaps just projecting, but i felt as though i was being treated very coldly, and i wouldn't be surprised if this all results from the events of yesterday. never mind the fact that my mother spent the last year doing nothing but caring for my father.
if i am not just projecting, then what i really should say is, "FUCK 'EM ALL."
i've put up with 33 years worth of their shit to try and get some acceptance for me & my mom. i feel like i deserve something for it. and really, i did get something for it:
i just happened to glance over at the tv just now and chris isaak was singing, "how long will my heart ache tonight?" i wasn't aware of how i was feeling until just then.
TWO DAYS AGO, my dad passed away at the ripe old age of...can you belive it?...ninety-three. if that ain't ripe, don't bother pickin' it. (no idea what that means. it just sorta came to me.)
YESTERDAY, 4 of the 6 half-sibs (2 half-brothers & 2 half-sisters = 1 brother & 1 sister), my mom & i went to make arrangements for dad. (reading the previous blog will give you some background on the dynamics of my relationship with the half-sibs.) prior to yesterday, there was no discussion whatsoever amongst us about how to handle these arrangements. had we done this, the proverbial shit would have missed the fan completely. unfortunately, my family epitomizes shit and we don't need no damn fan.
SOME BACKGROUND: dad was a widower before he met & married my mom. i grew up watching him bring flowers to his first wife's grave. since i had no living grandparents, i called this woman's mother grandma. i had no aunts or uncles living close-by, so this woman's brother and his wife became uncle & auntie. they treated me & mom like true relations, unlike the half-sibs who only thought of us as dad's other family. i can't even begin to tell you how conflicted i felt growing up with these people that felt like family, but at the same time weren't, really.
when it became apparent that my dad's health was in steady decline, i started to wonder how we would handle my dad's funeral when the time came. being the youngest of dad's kids and a half-sib to them, i wasn't comfortable trying to broach this subject. i'm only half of a blip on the family radar. i count less than a few of the pets in the family ranking system.
even though we never discussed it, shortly before arriving at the cemetery, my mother told me what i already knew. she wanted to be buried with dad, knowing that a space already existed for him with his first wife. i my heart, i know she is right for wanting this. not only does she deserve this, she earned the right to have this over the course of 34 years of marriage. so when it came time, i spoke up for my mom, knowing she would never stand up to the half-sibs. discussion ensued, one half-sib stormed out of the room (and has been a royal bitch ever since), and eventually, a majority of the half-sibs gave their blessings and we were able to finalize the arrangments. it was uncomfortable, to say the least, but it was necessary.
TONIGHT, the half-sibs were over for the first night of the novena prayer. as we are in mourning, i am perhaps just projecting, but i felt as though i was being treated very coldly, and i wouldn't be surprised if this all results from the events of yesterday. never mind the fact that my mother spent the last year doing nothing but caring for my father.
if i am not just projecting, then what i really should say is, "FUCK 'EM ALL."
i've put up with 33 years worth of their shit to try and get some acceptance for me & my mom. i feel like i deserve something for it. and really, i did get something for it:
my mom will be buried with my dad.
without trying to sound morosely comical (or comically morose), this is the "happy ending" i was hoping for.
posted by rach at 10:24 pm
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